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Sunday, February 28, 2016

Just can't do it...

It is so hard to be a good person.  I cannot believe how hard it is to be a good person.  When you are a drug addict, it is hard to get a fair shake.  I know that is no excuse but we are trying hard to get our lives back together.  I know that we cannot try hard enough to do what we need to do.   We work hard everyday to repair the damage that has been done to our lives due to the evil hold that illegal drugs has on you.  Now, I do not know if many of you understand, but it is an eye-opening experience.  

I love my husband and I love my life.  I just hope I can educate or help someone with what I am writing.  

Man, we worked our ass off today to help a good friend and is wife get some things done today.  Needless to say, we would have done that when we were on dope but, we really wanted to help them out and keep going and doing good.  I know we missed church this morning, but we could not help that.  We only have so much time before our friend has to go back to work, I will go back to work in the morning and his wife has so much homework since she is going back to school, it is not funny.

I too, am proud of us, even though I am writing this and I am about to pass out from exhaustion.  I got a sunburn and so did my husband.  But, sometimes we just have to do what we can and do what is right for other people. 

I am not saying that is what we do ALL of the time, BUT, we at least try.  I really want to be a better person and I will help everyone I can and do all I can to be that better person.  I love my family and want to be the best I can be.  I really hope one day that we can be proud of ourselves again.

Have a wonderful day tomorrow and have a blessed week.  I know I will.

God bless you all!!!

Saturday, February 27, 2016

What gives?

OK. Trying and trying and trying to find a place to live and just trying to keep us afloat.  I just don't make enough to get us there and pray that we can get out there and stay there.  I just want a place for Cody to feel safe and get him organized and working hard and feeling good about himself. 

He feels safe where we are at and loves to be here and loves out here in the country, but just like his Daddy, he just wants a place to call his own.  I just want to be able to provide and try to keep us afloat.   I will be looking for another job to try and help supplement the one I have.  I am just so thankful for the one I have now.  I will just have to suck it up and work more.  

I have still been looking for another job, just haven't been telling anyone.  I am still on the hunt for the perfect job.  This one is good and like I said, I am very thankful.  It just isn't like the other cleaners that I worked at.  At least they kind of leave me alone.  Now some days, he just can't back off and let me be.  But, I guess most bosses are like that.  

Anyways, what gives man?  The harder we try, the harder it gets.  Our chances get slimmer and slimmer each time we try to get anything done or even try to get ahead.  That really drives me crazy.  We just cannot get things rolling because we get several set backs and just keeps setting us back each time. 

I just want to do the best I can and make sure my family is provided for and can be we can be together and happy.  I just want our son to proud of us no be embarrassed by us and want to hang out with us more.  I like hanging out with him and want to take him more places and be able to afford the other things that the other kids do, to a point.  I just want him to be able to experience the things that he needs to in his life.  I am so proud of him and want him to be proud of himself.  He is so awesome and I love that boy so much. 

Now, I am biased and I know it.  Just like all the mothers out there.  I love all my kids and wish them all the best and hope the devil will leave them alone and they can live for God and do the best they can.  I know they can.  Well, I have got to get back to my chores and get some things done.  Have a good weekend and a blessed Sunday!!

Free eye exams

As I sit here trying to find a dang eye doctor place that is open on a Saturday, I am getting more and more disappointed.  Does anyone not get glasses or contacts in Brownwood on Saturday?   Give me a break.  This is really the only time I wanted to do it.  I am really really wanting and needing a new pair of glasses or contacts.  Maybe it will make my headaches go away.  I hope so.  I will also include a link for all of us poor folks that need assistance with getting an exam and our glasses and etc.  It is:  

There you will be able to find out some useful information and hopefully get yours or your spouses or your children some affordable exams or eye glasses.

I am still on the hunt here and will let you know or will post a pic.  Happy hunting for all.

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

I hope someone I know reads this...

Well, first of all I need to correct something that was in an earlier post.  I wrote something about not wanting to kill myself and I forgot a word.  I did not put don't and therefore it showed that I had wanted to commit suicide.  Now, I know that is NOT an option.  I will never do that.  I am teaching my son that suicide is not an option.  We have known several people who have done it and his father's best friend tried one night.  That is just something that we tell the boys that is unacceptable.  There are several teachings and I will talk about some and give examples in the bible.

Next, I also want to apologize to my mother-in-law.  I said some things that I did not mean and I am sorry.  I know you are reading this.  I was mad that day and wish I could take them back.  I could delete the post, but I am going to leave it to show that I was wrong and that I have learned from it.  I am still very sorry.  I know that you are helping us and I was very angry with her and I know lashing out is not the answer.

I just wish there was a way to fix all the wrong done in our lives whether it be what we have done or what has been done to us.  I know, I know, we don't live in a fantasy world.  I guess I am just too naive to realize sometimes, but I want to be positive and at least try.  Right now my husband and I are arguing because of his hard-headedness.  I know I am hard-headed too but what else can I do?  I pray that the Lord opens our eyes to see and hear what we need to hear.  I am so tired of arguing over nothing.  I cannot take this anymore!!!  I have been trying to be positive and now I am afraid I am not going to be able to stay positive.  I hate the way he talks to me.  So much hatred.  It is not fair.  I am trying to help him and I get pushed away and told how stupid I am for trying.  I am broken and cannot be repaired anymore.  Will I ever find my way back?  Please Lord help me.  I just hope someday soon we can find our happiness again.

Monday, February 22, 2016

Our way...

Saturday:  I am now in love with my husband more than ever. He did something so out of the ordinary.  I am so proud of him. He decided to pick his family over his habit.  I am so happy and he makes me so happy. We had a chance to go to a party and he turned the car around and decided that we would not go.  

Sunday:  Had a wonderful day at church.  The sermon was excellent and very informative and engaging.  I love how our Preacher preaches.  Now, that evening was not perfect, but we take the good times with the bad I guess.

Monday:  I know the power of God was working Saturday afternoon because he turned the car around and we came home and spent time with our son and his mom and step-dad.  We played dominoes and played music.  We had even stopped to get a six-pack of beer to celebrate since I was so excited and he was too.  I cannot express how I was so happy and just felt like a chain had been taken off or released.  Now, what I meant by the power of God at work earlier is that while we were headed down the road to go that way, I was playing a game on my laptop and suddenly felt really sleepy.  Well, I told my husband that I was going to close my eyes for a bit (well, it was the Holy Spirit making me keep my mouth shut and let him concentrate and have that war with his good and evil to make a good decision). I understood that afterwards.  Well, it felt like I had been asleep for about an hour and in reality, it had only been about 10 minutes or less.  I awoke to him turning the car around in the bar-ditch and I was so confused.  I saw that where we had turned there was road construction, but it did not dawn on me what was going on.  I asked him if the road was closed.  Well, with a look on his face that is indescribable, he told me no and that we were going home.  Well, at first I was just trying to figure out what the heck was going on. Then, it dawned on me that we were not going to go to that party and mess up and back-slide on what I had been trying so hard not to do.  He talks about it all the time and it really infuriates me.  But, I do not say anything and just try to let it go and let him talk it out.  Now granted I don't feel as though it has the same pull on me, but in a way I know it has to and that we all have to deal with addiction in our own way.  We have been very honest with our son and I tell him everything that I think he needs to know and try to use as much of this as a teaching tool for a learning moment so that he understands later when he is faced with these issues.  The devil with try anything and I intend to educate my son so that he can be prepared to wage that war with evil and win.  Like our preacher says about the Bible, we know how it is going to end.  So, we know who wins...

Have a wonderful week!!!  God bless!!

Thursday, February 18, 2016

Bible study

     I really wanted to do bible study this evening.  Man it is late, but I got it done and feel really good about it.  There were so many roadblocks to conquer just to get here.  Internet issues, computer issues, my son having an asthma attack and his inhaler has run out and he had to take a breathing treatment but the dog chewed up his breathing apparatus.  So, we had to use southern ingenuity to fix him another one that worked and the breathing machine gave us problems but we finally got it and now I am done with my Armor of God study and I feel good.  I cannot believe I am even up this late.  I didn't get a bit of sleep the night before because my husband abscessed tooth was hurting him so bad. I tried all of the home remedies and everything I could concoct up that I saw on YouTube or read when I Googled it.  These late nights are really wearing me down and I started my new job on Tuesday and I am just pooped.  

     But, I am filled with the Holy Spirit and just feel so much better for taking the time to listen to Priscilla Shirer and take part in the Armor of God Study and learn so much.  Now this is just my first week even though I have been to one of the studies at church for ladies night.  I have the book now and know what I am up against and I am ready for this.  Thanks to my mother-in-law who introduced me to this study and now it has lit a fire under me to suit up and put on my armor and get into this battle and fight!!!

      Thank you Jesus!!  Y'all have a blessed day!!!

     It's Friday!!!  Have a wonderful weekend!!

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Headaches slow you down

      My head is pounding.  I've taken some Aleve, let's hope they kick in soon.  I've got to get going and not be late for my first day at this job.  I am super excited, but this damn headache is stealing my joy.  Argh!!!  I wanted to be rested and ready for this, but I hurt too bad to sleep and my husband kept waking me up all night.  Dammit.  I just wanted to be prepared for a day of hard work since I know it is going to be hot, noisy and I'm in a new place.  I will get through this.  

      Well, I made it through the day.  It wasn't too bad, but different.  It was hot, as I knew it would be. Working for the cleaners is a really hot job but I had done it before and I can handle it.  It is just hard coming in and working for someone new and there is different equipment, but essentially the same.  I just have to learn how they do it.  As always though, it is the quality, not the quantity that keeps the customers coming back.  I totally agree and not just because I am slow.  I am very picky and like to do a good job.  I don't want anyone to not take their time if it were my shirt and I was having to pay to have it pressed.  They want to look good and I want to do a good job.  That is all there is to it.

      Now, after coming home, I was pleasantly surprised that my husband had mopped, vacuumed, did the dishes and all of the laundry.  He had even made the bed.  I am so proud of him and glad he felt like getting up and taking care of all of those things so that my mother-in-law and I did not have to when we got home.  To top it all off, he even cooked us supper.  I am really blessed to have him and I cannot express how proud I am of him and I am so lucky to be his wife.  I love that man with all my heart and I like I always say, he is my FOREVER.  Well, I've to go back at it again tomorrow morning, so I have to get some sleep.  MAYBE.  If I can get him to sleep tonight.  This not sleeping is driving me crazy.  But, that is another story.  LOL  Good night everyone & God bless.

Monday, February 15, 2016

Life is hard...

     Life is hard.  I know, I know it is hard on everyone. Well, I know everyone takes it differently and everyone has a different goal or purpose of being here.  I really think I know what my purpose is and there are some who do not know, but sometimes it is just hard to stay focused on that goal and to keep going.  There are days of depression and days of just don't want to.  I think I am having one of those days.
     I am just so run down and do not know what to do.  It just keeps nagging at me that there is really nothing I can do.  I want to be excited about a possible job tomorrow morning.  I really hope I get this job, but really think I want a merchandising job. Who knows, maybe I don't know what I want.  I know I am damn good at pressing shirts and have experience and can just get to work and not have to waste a lot of time of training on the equipment.  I know I can do it.  Instead, I just want to be able to find a position in merchandising that will suit me.  I know that there is one out there.  I just have to keep going until it comes along.  I have to be positive.  I always tell my husband that things happen for a reason.  

     And usually he just looks at me like I'm crazy and then usually, things do happen that work out in the end.  How crazy is that?  I am usually the positive one.  It just so happens that when I am down, he then becomes the one that is positive that keeps me going and I love him for that.  
     Now, the words written above were typed on the way to church this morning and a lot has happened since this morning.  Man, has it.  Our preacher led a sermon this Valentine's Day that was spot on to my life.  I am so amazed that he was preaching and talking about everything, and I do mean everything, that is happening in my life right now.  It was so amazing and I gasped once during the sermon and my husband had to keep me in my seat.  I am telling you that he had my life nailed!!  I am still in shock.  I won't go into all of it, but let me tell you that it opened my eyes a bit more and put a little more on the fire that is burning in me and under me to keep going.  So you see, life is hard.  Let's not make it harder by being down.  Let's lift each other up and keep each other motivated and love one another.

God bless.

Saturday, February 13, 2016

Need Prayers and Spiritual Guidance

If anyone out there can pray for us it would be much appreciated.  We have been having some problems with some supernatural things that have been happening in the evil spirit way and I am just needing some guidance and some prayer.  We are also needing prayer in the aspect of our marriage.  

We are struggling to get back into society from being incarcerated, addicted to an illegal substance and just all-around family stuff.  I really want to get back into church and just be normal and raise our son and be good people so to speak. 

I have a job that I have applied for and really want that I can do really well and hope the man calls me on Monday to go do it.  I just pray that I can do this and get us going on this part of our lives.  We have no house, no money, no jobs and just need to get the ball rolling on applying for HUD and getting things that need to be done, done and keep going.  If you can help, please do.  God bless you and thank you.

Been trying to get back into Church...

      Well, my mother-in-law got me motivated to go to the Women's meetings at the church on Tuesdays. Well, I had already felt the urge to go back to church. I feel this yearning to go hear the Word and just go to feel the presence of the Spirit there.  High Mesa Cowboy church is the only church I have felt that. The church we went to before, I did not feel it like this.    
      We are now going to Tuesday night meetings and we are studying from the book The Armor of God by Priscilla Shirer.  It is a really good one.  At first it seems like a lot of stuff to cram in there, but it really makes you think and try to learn.  Right now I have this burning inside where I want to learn but I have to reign it in for now and take it slow.  I yearn to learn more and more each day and my husband is more laid back and tells me to put the books and computer away and just let it be.  I have to do as he wishes and try to decipher what I have learned but it is so hard for me.  I am not capable of learning like him.  I have to see it, write it and hear it.   I have to press it into my brain and then see if I left a big enough etch to make it stay or I have to brand it in there.  I'm not kidding.  I have to go over it a few times to make it stay, so to speak.
     We are also working a little project for me.  It is a small hinged piece of wood that I found and I do not know if it came from a box or if is a book cover of some kind.  

     I am imagining it is an antique bible cover.  I am sanding it down and am I am going to stain it and us my wood burner and burn some phrases or passages into it. The problem is which ones.  I have this theme running through my head of GRACE.  I have been on this since I was in jail.  That is what kept me going.  Just looking at my dog-eared, extremely used Recovery Bible they gave me in jail.  You can see where I have put the word GRACE on the outer part of the exposed pages so that everyone can see that I am here now because of God's grace.  In each letter of GRACE, I put each member of my family.  Granted, I had nothing to do for 21 days in solitary but read, I had time to read almost the whole bible and learn as much as I can. While I was in there, I also put every passage that I read that had GRACE in it in the front of that bible.  I am still having a hard time trying to decide which one since I keep finding more and more when I go back and read or when I just read more scripture.  This "hunt" so to speak means a lot to me and my husband is being very helpful in trying to find that perfect one.  I will let you know when we find it.  To be continued...

Monday, February 8, 2016

What are they thinking?

What are they thinking?

      I don't know who told them that what they are putting out and what the kids are listening to these days is good music.  It is so stupid sounding.  The kids now-a-days, do not have a clue as to what good music is.  If only they knew what we know.  We have a whole library of really good music, not all one genre, but a mixture of sorts.  We prefer and lean-to mostly Classic Country (the 90's era is the best produced ever), but we mix in some Rock, Metal and whatever sounds good to our ears.  

       It is very hard for us to listen to the radio these days because there are not that many Classic Country Stations anymore.  The radio stations are all New Country or that awful Rap, Thug or Party crap.  Can't understand the words, just hear the thump and makes me want to throw up.  They don't know what we feel when we hear a steel guitar and a fiddle.  That speaks to our soul more than anything.  We can feel the emotion in all the songs.  Most country songs we listen to, you can take your partner out on the dance floor and shine your belt buckle.  That means you dance so close that you shine your belt buckle on your partner's shirt.  I love those songs.
     My husband and I love to dance.  As we get older, they are few and far between, but we can cut-a-rug.  One time, we had an older gentleman come up and shake my husband's hand and said it was pleasure to watch me and my husband dance.  He said he had seen nothing like it before and he wished he could do it.  Now, my husband was beaming.  I just love to dance with him.  He just has a way that is so natural.  I can feel his next move.  Now, we did not do a standard 2-step, Tommy does something else. Will have to explain when I have more time.  
       Anyways, about the music, what the heck are they thinking?  These young punks have no idea what they are singing about and  they have no idea how cheesy and gay they sound.  It is hard to have heart and soul in the music when they have never been through what others have to wrote the song or even lived it.  Country is not all about getting drunk and losing your old lady and your dog.  There are  a lot more emotions and problems in the mix.  We think the heart and soul of country music is slipping away.  Now we know George Strait and Alan Jackson have sang songs about how things have changed.  There are a lot of greats out there that just can't believe how far it has gone.  We need to do something about it.  We can't say they can't sing.  They just can't sing Country.  Putting too much Pop in it.  As Hank Williams Jr. says it ain't Rock N Roll, sure as hell ain't Country or Rhythm and Blues.  We don't know what it is exactly, but we don't like it.  

Saturday, February 6, 2016

Road Trip

     Road trip!!  On our way to the park to let our son take pictures with the tanks.  He is a tank fanatic. He is really excited.  Cody loves just about anything to do with the military and he talked about it all last night.  He even woke up early and picked out his best camouflage outfit and was ready.  I had to tell him we had to wait for his dad to get up.  Man, he was so impatient.  But, after I had a job interview and we had some lunch, we are finally on our way...

Holy cow, that was so fun.  He got to climb up on the tanks and personnel carrier.  He had a hard time getting up there, but it was worth it.  I even got up there on a few of them.  I had so much fun too and got lots of photos and some video.  My husband was so nice to keep our dogs wrangled so I could take pictures of Cody.  We even got a few shots with our dogs up on one of the tanks.  They had just as much fun as I did.  LOL  

This day meant a lot to me and I am so glad we got to go out as a family and do something like this.  We normally do not.  We stay at home and stay shut in our rooms because we are not social people anymore. We are not accepted into alot of groups due to the mistakes we have made.  I am trying to remedy the mistakes, especially the ones concerning our son.  He had to go without me for 21 days at one time due to me being locked up.  I know that is nothing compared to most, but it was too long for me.  I was in solitary for 21 days because I had one Xanex in my purse that was not mine.  I did not even remember it was in there since I don't take them.  A friend gave it to me because I was upset one day and thought I needed one.  Needless to say, I threw it in my bag and never thought about it until the police officer that was searching my bag for illegal drugs says "Is this yours?"  And I say "yes".  How was I to know it was an illegal drug since I did not take pills or dabble in the pill area of illegal drugs.  Huh.  Well, come to find out, it was a crime to have that and I went to jail that night.  I got lucky.  After that, they moved Xanex up to a felony and I got away with a misdemeanor.  Whew!!!!  I got to see the judge and it was a sentence of 10 days in jail, so "time served".  I guess they don't worry about the other 11 days, but hey, like I said, I got lucky.  I cannot get that time back and I know that my son was worried about me.  Especially since my husband went to jail too that night.  At least he was with our friends and he stayed with them the whole time.  I cannot help but feel like I failed him that night.  Especially since I had just gone to jail for the first time in my life just weeks before that and spent 4 days in jail.  I had closed our checking account some years back and had missed a check, so I had a hot check out there that I was unaware of and did not even know there was a warrant for me until I was arrested.  So, color me surprised on that day.  Ironically enough, that day too my husband was arrested.  There was a pattern for us that we went to jail together evidently.  Then one night, that changed.  Tommy got arrested and I did not.  That was one time that he went to jail without me.  It was a hell of a lot cheaper to get me out each time though.  He was way more expensive than I was.  His bonds were way higher each time than mine. 
Either way, we both still feel bad about not being there for our son. I thank God that we actually got to get out.  I hope I never have to go back.  I am afraid that one day Tommy will have to and I do not want that.  Still trying to fight one of his arrests.  But, that is another story...

Here is a cute video with some of the shots...

Monday, February 1, 2016

One of my burdens lifted.....

As I sit here feeling the Texas breeze through the windows, I am a happy momma.  My son decided to commit himself to Christ yesterday at church.  I have been worried that he would not act in time and would not get another chance "if tomorrow never comes".  I am just so happy that he can now say he is saved and we can all be happy.  I have been talking to him about it, but not pressuring him.  My husband and I were afraid we would scare him off or he would just downright defy us.  I am so glad he made the right decision.  This is a blessing on our part.  I am so happy and so ready for all that is to come.  Thank you Jesus.