Well, I'm at war with myself. My husband does not believe me that I am behaving myself in my recovery. I have not touched a bit since BEFORE he went to jail. I know better. Now I am not telling everyone this just to hear myself talk. I am pissed now though. I cannot get him out of jail and so he is angry with me. So what the hell do I do? Why does he have to take it out on me?
I am now at war with everyone but Tommy and Cody. Cody is my rock. Why should I trust anyone else? Especially when no one trusts me. I have given up a lot and wanted to change my life when I met my husband. I accepted his two boys and his girl as my own. But, they all called another mom and even made a point to call even another mom. They have tried and tried to make me mad and threw it in my face that I am not their mother. Now these women have only tried to break my husband and I up and have only tried to cause me heartache. I dislike people like that and I have forgiven them, but I still dislike the fact that Tommy and I have been together for almost 15 years and one of them just cannot let him go. She is so unhappy with her life that she will do a lot to make everyone else miserable. I am not threatened by her, just tired of dealing with her. I do not feel the need for her in mine or my husband's life and she needs to realize that and get the hell away from all of us. She is not welcome around my home.
This is all about to come to an end. I will not put up with people meddling with my family. Now, when Tommy gets out, there are a lot of changes he has to deal with. And there will be some other changes that we discussed. There is going to be no contact, what so ever, with numerous people. We will have new phone numbers and be "off the grid" to most people. And I mean most. He has said so hisself and I am taking that and running with it. I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON MY HUSBAND!! That is what everyone is waiting for. Well, the wait is over. Go away. I will not give up on him, so you can leave now and save yourselves the trouble for when he gets out. There is no need for you to contact me or him, or even come by. Thanks.
I am not making anyone the enemy. They make themselves that when they lie to me or my son or even try to use us. I have not tried to use anyone. It may seem like it, but I have always made a point to not use anyone, even when other people do it to support their habit.
There are a lot of people out there that are nice to your face, some days. But, there are even more fakes, users, manipulators and etc. out there. I do not plan on being one of them. We deal with them everyday. We just need to know when to spot them.
I love my family and want what is best for them even if I AM THE BAD GUY/GAL. That is all I have ever done and I pay the price. They can all go around spewing lies and making themselves look good. Ya know, they need to take a step back and check themselves again. That magic mirror is wrong. That things lies to us like we lie to ourselves. We just have to know the difference and MAKE A DIFFERENCE in our lives or someone elses.
Thanks for listening. God bless.
Ya know, life really is a funny thing. For almost 15 years I have been focused on my husband and kids and still am, don't get me wrong. I have been told that I care too much, that I smother them and that I need to let them do things on their own and I am controlling. I will not apologize for caring. Now, you don't care when you just stick your nose in and try to make sure they do what you want them to do and not care what the outcome is when they don't. I follow through and accept the outcome, whatever it is. Now I'm not saying that it has not been a struggle, but it has not been as bad as most. I know I am truly blessed to have my family and will always be grateful. There are a lot of people out there that feel since they are not happy and that they did not get the life they deserve due to abuse or hardship that no one else should have it too. Well, ya got another thing coming. People, you don't expect it. You need to be content with what you have and make the most of it to be happy. You are a good person, no matter what you have done. We are created in God's image. And I have never seen any evil in that. You have got think that there are a lot of people out there that just give up because maybe they don't think they are worthy of forgiveness or even think they can turn their lives around. No, they are just lazy or misinformed. There is always a solution. It may not be the one that they want, but there is always a way to FIX things. Broken or unbroken. Now, I do not know it all, but I do know that I love having my family and what friends we have left due to recover/rehab issues. You really need to stop and think: What has God given me that I have put away and not looked at or used in a while? Well, it may be your conscience, your pride, your boldness, your sense of humor or whatever you had or thought you had or even thought you might have. You never know. Stop and think and let contentment or even adventure unfold and see where it takes you. Right now I am sewing up a friends pants and looking through my sewing box. I have found a dozen or more of projects I put away to sew up later. I am breaking it out and granted, I will not do them all today, but it makes me think, what have I put away that I have forgotten about? Now I am not talking about all of the physical things either. Someone out there is struggling with drugs, abuse, neglect, and numerous other things out there. Let God restore all of your gifts. It will not happen overnight, but it will happen if you stay positive and keep your eyes on God. He knows what is best for you. Thanks for listening. I am full of contentment and joy even though Tommy is incarcerated and my face prison/rehab. I am happy he is and will get the help he needs and I am in recovery myself and we talk about it over the phone. He knows and he accepts. We pray together and pray for each other. I love him and he loves us. We will get through this and keep going. There isn't any other way for us.
God Bless Y'all!!!
Life is hard. I know, I know it is hard on everyone. Well, I know everyone takes it differently and everyone has a different goal or purpose of being here. I really think I know what my purpose is and there are some who do not know, but sometimes it is just hard to stay focused on that goal and to keep going. There are days of depression and days of just don't want to. I think I am having one of those days.
I am just so run down and do not know what to do. It just keeps nagging at me that there is really nothing I can do. I want to be excited about a possible job tomorrow morning. I really hope I get this job, but really think I want a merchandising job. Who knows, maybe I don't know what I want. I know I am damn good at pressing shirts and have experience and can just get to work and not have to waste a lot of time of training on the equipment. I know I can do it. Instead, I just want to be able to find a position in merchandising that will suit me. I know that there is one out there. I just have to keep going until it comes along. I have to be positive. I always tell my husband that things happen for a reason.
And usually he just looks at me like I'm crazy and then usually, things do happen that work out in the end. How crazy is that? I am usually the positive one. It just so happens that when I am down, he then becomes the one that is positive that keeps me going and I love him for that.
Now, the words written above were typed on the way to church this morning and a lot has happened since this morning. Man, has it. Our preacher led a sermon this Valentine's Day that was spot on to my life. I am so amazed that he was preaching and talking about everything, and I do mean everything, that is happening in my life right now. It was so amazing and I gasped once during the sermon and my husband had to keep me in my seat. I am telling you that he had my life nailed!! I am still in shock. I won't go into all of it, but let me tell you that it opened my eyes a bit more and put a little more on the fire that is burning in me and under me to keep going. So you see, life is hard. Let's not make it harder by being down. Let's lift each other up and keep each other motivated and love one another.
God bless.
