Just keep going...

"If you’re going through hell, keep going." – Winston Churchill

There are many things that keep me going. I don't really know the reason why I am here. I ask God all of the time. I guess I keep forgetting or I just need to hear it. I don't know. There are days when I ask him to call me home. Those are the days that I just give up and I am so selfish that I ask stupidly for that. I know it is selfish, but there are times when I just feel so overwhelmed and down on myself that I let the devil take over, and boom! My husband has said, that I would be missed, but there are days that I feel they would be better without me. But, that is taking the easy way out. I would never kill myself, but just have anxiety over many things and feel that I cause issues. I want to help others so much that I cause myself to be full of anxiety. I bend over backward for our family and others and just feel anger at times when they keep taking and taking. I can't say no when someone asks for money or help. I try to hide my anger and anxiety. My husband and son see it, but others see me differently. Don't worry, there are days they see the bitch I can be. But then, I am the bad guy and they tell everyone. But, God and I are the ones who know the real truth.

What keeps me going is the love I have for my tribe or my fold. Those members know they are loved and even though I don't see them or talk to them every day, I am there for them. Our family is dysfunctional and we know it. LOL. We are like any other blended family and we try to be normal, but cannot. When I met my husband 20 years ago, he had 2 sons, 2 and 5 years old. We had a son together with a little over a year after we married. And during our 6 months of dating, he told me he may have a daughter by another woman. So, there was a lot to absorb when we got together. His ex-wife was awful and the baby momma was trouble. So, needless to say, it has been a challenge when dealing with them for the first 10 or so years. Since the boys turned 17 or so, we no longer talk to their mother, at all. But, baby momma still comes around. I tried to be friends with her, but she has lost my trust numerous times and I cannot allow that. So I keep her at arm's length and we just take it day by day.

During our addiction, baby momma was there since she is also an addict. We have tried to help her break her addiction after we got clean, but she just can't break it. There are days when I feel she cannot be around due to our weakness and possible relapse. My husband "joneses" more than I do, but I feel that we have come so far, there is no need to go back down that road. We lost everything (almost). We did not lose custody of our son (the only one who was not out of the house yet). Thank God, since we had to deal with CPS before, during, and after our addiction. We have had to deal with Child Protective Services due to the boys being mistreated by their mother and new husband and then because we were drug addicts and now because of our grandbabies because their mother cannot take care of them. But, this dealing with CPS is the most positive since we are the only place that these kiddos can go since there are no other options. I don't want there to be any options, they need to be here. God has placed them here for all of our sakes. This is where they belong.

I think about all the times we have felt so defeated since we became drug addicts. We lost our home, our vehicle, and most of our belongings. Our family stayed together, and we had help from my husband's side of the family, and thank God for that. Now, the family members that helped put us through their own hell also, but we got out and showed everyone that we could keep going. Being homeless is an awful feeling and as a parent, you feel like you are not good enough. Our son is strong and faithful. He helped me through a lot. There were times when it was just him and me since Tommy was in jail. When we both went to jail we had some friends who were there for us to have Cody in their home. We were blessed to be in that position and their home at that time. Let me tell you, living with others is hard and especially when they were drug addicts also. But, they hid theirs really well since no one really knew but our little group. They were functioning addicts. That is the term I hear. We were that for a bit and it all fell apart.

But now, we try to help others who have been there and we cheer on others who have walked away from the drugs and began their recovery. We can now have friends over who want to vent, play some washers, and just hang out to talk about the happenings in the world. There are days when I don't want anyone here, but there are days when my husband needs that time to be himself and just let go. I understand that now. I also like to hear what they have to say and can relate to their experiences or choices. We really need each other to keep going in this recovery.

Well, have to get the kiddos ready for some appointments. God bless and have a great day.