As I sit here writing this, I am thinking of how this could be easier, but it's not. I know I have made some mistakes, but I keep going. My old ass is trying to get going today without help as usual. But this is the norm for me. I used to save it all for my husband when we had help to get up. I did not do as much as him because I knew he would need it the most. I always made sure he would be able to get up for certain days and not have to suffer. That day feels like one of these. Granted, he knew that I was helping him somehow. It is hard to hide it from your partner/spouse. He would always get mad and I would just tell him it is ok. It is my job to make sure he is doing better. Now that he is in jail, I am still feeling that way, even though we are not using. I just know I miss him and everyday is going to be hard without him here. As of right now, it will be at least a month before his court date and I cannot afford to get him out of jail. I am stuck here in a spot and cannot do much. I am going to get my ID today and take my son to the doctor to get more asthma medication for him and a physical because he wants to do track. I really want him to do good so we can tell his dad the next time we see him. I have to get my ID so I can take my son to see him. They won't let him see his dad unless he is escorted by someone with a valid ID. I will do whatever it takes to let my son see his Dad and I really want to see him. I am so angry at him for allowing this to happen. This is what we fought over and over and over about. But I still love him with all my heart and soul. I wanted to get things taken care of and he would always think I wanted him to go to jail. That was not it. I would have taken the charges, ALL OF THEM, if it meant that he would be out. I would have done the time if he would have let me. But there was no argument. He told the officer that the stuff was his and I did my time for what I had and now we are here. The only thing is, what I had was not state jail felony at the time. It is now, but I was lucky and served my time in jail and was time served. Now I guess I was lucky and I know that my husband holds that against me, but I need to be here for our son just like he does and the is another thing we fought about. I was done with it, I don't know how, but I could put it down. Tommy would get so mad at me and make rude comments about it and make me feel bad. I was going to church and feeling better while he was wallowing in his self pity. Now he sees what can really happen but still cannot give it up. I really want him to come out of jail and want to start a new life like me. I really want my family back and will do what it takes to make it happen. I really need prayer and will continue to pray for my husband and my family to keep going. Thanks to all of you who read this for letting me rant and tell my story.
God bless you.
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