Just keep going...

"If you’re going through hell, keep going." – Winston Churchill

There are many things that keep me going. I don't really know the reason why I am here. I ask God all of the time. I guess I keep forgetting or I just need to hear it. I don't know. There are days when I ask him to call me home. Those are the days that I just give up and I am so selfish that I ask stupidly for that. I know it is selfish, but there are times when I just feel so overwhelmed and down on myself that I let the devil take over, and boom! My husband has said, that I would be missed, but there are days that I feel they would be better without me. But, that is taking the easy way out. I would never kill myself, but just have anxiety over many things and feel that I cause issues. I want to help others so much that I cause myself to be full of anxiety. I bend over backward for our family and others and just feel anger at times when they keep taking and taking. I can't say no when someone asks for money or help. I try to hide my anger and anxiety. My husband and son see it, but others see me differently. Don't worry, there are days they see the bitch I can be. But then, I am the bad guy and they tell everyone. But, God and I are the ones who know the real truth.

What keeps me going is the love I have for my tribe or my fold. Those members know they are loved and even though I don't see them or talk to them every day, I am there for them. Our family is dysfunctional and we know it. LOL. We are like any other blended family and we try to be normal, but cannot. When I met my husband 20 years ago, he had 2 sons, 2 and 5 years old. We had a son together with a little over a year after we married. And during our 6 months of dating, he told me he may have a daughter by another woman. So, there was a lot to absorb when we got together. His ex-wife was awful and the baby momma was trouble. So, needless to say, it has been a challenge when dealing with them for the first 10 or so years. Since the boys turned 17 or so, we no longer talk to their mother, at all. But, baby momma still comes around. I tried to be friends with her, but she has lost my trust numerous times and I cannot allow that. So I keep her at arm's length and we just take it day by day.

During our addiction, baby momma was there since she is also an addict. We have tried to help her break her addiction after we got clean, but she just can't break it. There are days when I feel she cannot be around due to our weakness and possible relapse. My husband "joneses" more than I do, but I feel that we have come so far, there is no need to go back down that road. We lost everything (almost). We did not lose custody of our son (the only one who was not out of the house yet). Thank God, since we had to deal with CPS before, during, and after our addiction. We have had to deal with Child Protective Services due to the boys being mistreated by their mother and new husband and then because we were drug addicts and now because of our grandbabies because their mother cannot take care of them. But, this dealing with CPS is the most positive since we are the only place that these kiddos can go since there are no other options. I don't want there to be any options, they need to be here. God has placed them here for all of our sakes. This is where they belong.

I think about all the times we have felt so defeated since we became drug addicts. We lost our home, our vehicle, and most of our belongings. Our family stayed together, and we had help from my husband's side of the family, and thank God for that. Now, the family members that helped put us through their own hell also, but we got out and showed everyone that we could keep going. Being homeless is an awful feeling and as a parent, you feel like you are not good enough. Our son is strong and faithful. He helped me through a lot. There were times when it was just him and me since Tommy was in jail. When we both went to jail we had some friends who were there for us to have Cody in their home. We were blessed to be in that position and their home at that time. Let me tell you, living with others is hard and especially when they were drug addicts also. But, they hid theirs really well since no one really knew but our little group. They were functioning addicts. That is the term I hear. We were that for a bit and it all fell apart.

But now, we try to help others who have been there and we cheer on others who have walked away from the drugs and began their recovery. We can now have friends over who want to vent, play some washers, and just hang out to talk about the happenings in the world. There are days when I don't want anyone here, but there are days when my husband needs that time to be himself and just let go. I understand that now. I also like to hear what they have to say and can relate to their experiences or choices. We really need each other to keep going in this recovery.

Well, have to get the kiddos ready for some appointments. God bless and have a great day.

The night and day after doctors appointments, not so good...

     Last night was rough, to say the least on these kiddos.  Catching up on their immunizations was rough for them and they had a little bit of pain and did not feel good at all.  I did the best I could to soothe them with PawPaw's help.  He is such a wonderful man.  He works 6 days a week to provide for us and we love him for it.  I know he works hard since he comes home muddy and dirty.  I may complain about the mud on the floor and the clothes, but I know he is working hard and doing a great job while he is at it.  Tommy is a very smart man with a wonderful imagination and can accomplish anything.  The projects and jobs they accomplish are extraordinary.  The pictures and videos he shows me and what I used to could see on Facebook (my account was hacked and cannot access my account any longer) are amazing.  

    I'm telling you, they are perfection.  One of these years we might be able to afford at least one of those projects, but if we don't, it's ok.  We are truly blessed with what we have.  We had a great life, or so I thought before the drug addiction.  We are truly living a great life now with numerous blessings and these kiddos and our granddaughter Braylee.  Our kids are struggling, but we try our best to help them.  This COVID crap is hard on everyone.  Don't get me started on the shitshow of that.

    I really need to learn to take better care of myself.  These last few months have been an eye-opener of how bad I have been to myself.  My body is hurting all of the time and my teeth are awful.  I used to have a normal amount of fat (even though I thought I was fat) and the prettiest teeth.  Now, I am carrying several spare tires and have rotten teeth.  But, that is not going to stop me from being the best MoMo I can be to these babies.  I just have to choose which days we can venture out and go to the park.  Some days I can get this body going and there are some days it says we have to stay around the couch and find ways to have fun inside (which is several days after an outing).  I wish we could treat this arthritis better, but we have to wait until the heart issues are ruled out.  Soon, soon.

    On a different note, I am wondering when our first freeze will be.  I cannot wait for these mosquitoes to die.  Oh my gosh, we cannot go outside or the kiddos will get swarmed.  If you leave the door open for a moment to let the dogs out or in, they just all come in and swarm us in the house.  It is awful.  Benadryl gel is being used a lot to soothe our mosquito bites.  We really wanted to take the kiddos trick or treating, but we will have to slather on the lotion and repellent to keep them away from us.  We have a few days and hopefully, we will be able to do something fun for these kiddos.  

    These changes in weather need to decide already.  The cool fronts along with the pollen are not helping our noses and throats.  Both kiddos have a runny nose and I have a sore throat.  I have had a double ear infection for over a month and have been through 2 rounds of antibiotics and steroids, but it just won't go away.  So frustrating.  Have a message out to my doctor to see what we can call in or if I need to go in to be seen.  I have never in my life been to the doctor this much.  That is why this needs to be a PSA for those who can start now, please take care of yourself.  It is so important.  I know now why my grandparents preached to me to do the same.  I just didn't take their advice.  

    Well, I hope everyone is having a great and blessed day.  I have to go do more dishes and more laundry.  And, I might as well sweep and mop up the floor again (done daily where my husband takes off his boots each evening).  TTYL.  God bless.

Blessed, dressed and ready for the day...

     Taking the grandbabies to their doctor appointments today.  They have missed a few the doctor's office told me.  But, we will get them back on track.  I was told that they were up to date and had been going. Another lie.  I hate being lied to.  Just tell me the truth and deal with it.  I really hoped their mother would get out of this lying stage or whatever it is.  I know it works for her for others, but not me.  Anyways, we are going to try and keep up with all of the appointments that are needed for their health and whatever CPS wants the kids to be evaluated on.  

    We are not fans of CPS and will probably not ever be.  We have had dealings with them even before we were on drugs.  They have been horrible to us then and even more so when we were getting clean and caring for our youngest son.  There are many families out there that need CPS to get involved, but for someone to call CPS on us was uncalled for.  I am well aware of who did it and have forgiven them, but in our case, it was a joke.  All I can say is we were on our way to getting clean regardless and that almost pushed us back into hell.  I have never called CPS on anyone and do not plan to.  I hate though when you hear people saying "I'm going to call CPS on you".  I just wish those folks would think before they speak.

    I at first had a hard time with this new change, but I think I am getting the hang of it again.  I was frustrated at first because our daughter could not take care of these kids.  And to be honest, it is hard, but we are in a position to take care of them because others cannot.  We are in recovery and CPS at first told us that we would not be able to keep the kids but, they changed their minds when they found out the other choices.  Now that tells you that we are the better fit if you can believe that.

    

    

    It just brings a smile to my face each time Tommy loves on these babies.  I know they make him so happy and that just makes me the happiest woman in the world.  Tommy is my forever and I love him so much.  This is a struggle for us, but we have faith in God and we will make it.  I have no idea who reads this or if anyone reads this, but I feel better just putting my feelings down and I also feel better when I talk to God and pray about all of this that is going on.

    Well, the time has come to get everything rounded up that needs to be rounded up.  It is not too much with a toddler and an infant, but it can be overwhelming at times.  Cody helped me get a new stroller the other day when we bought a better car seat for Nova and let me tell you it is so much better.  The car seat snaps into the stroller just like the base and has a seat for Peyton and I love it.  It makes trips to the park, the store, and now to the doctor so much better.  

    

    I hope everyone has a blessed day and be happy and kind.  Lord knows we all need it.

Just keep swimming...

     We saw some of our friends yesterday evening.  We are all in recovery and caught up a little bit.  We are so proud of each other and how we can all keep going.  Being able to talk about those things with others who understand helps so much.  There are days when I tell my story to everyone I see when I can and there are days when I just can't go through the thoughts again.  It can be a little overwhelming at times, but we get through it.

    Our grandbabies are keeping me going I know that.  We ate a late breakfast and went to Rose Park and played most of the morning.  We can feed the prairie dogs there, so we take a sleeve of crackers and try to get them far enough for them to grab and take back to their safe homes.  I just know I am tired, but I am so blessed to be able to do this with those kiddos.  My husband asked me to resign from my job to stay home due to the health issues I have, but we did not know that we would be taking this adventure, but we are glad that we are.  I would not change a thing.  

    I am in constant pain from arthritis that I have been diagnosed along with and fibromyalgia.  I am having a CT Angiogram the day before Thanksgiving and will find out if there are any problems with my heart.  I am praying that we can only have to deal with the arthritis and the bulging discs in my neck.  Small vessel disease runs in my family and I really do not want the doctor to tell me that is what it is.  I have ALL the symptoms.

    Eiher way, I will continue to live my life to take care of my family.  I know that I am not suffering as much as others that are out there, so I need to stop complaining and keep going.  I don't know what I want to accomplish with this blog, but I just want to be able to put my feelings out there and try to help others when I can.  I really have no idea how I am going to do that, but will try to find information that is helpful and can share it.  I just want to tell my story and try to inspire others.  I want so much for my family and myself that I want to be able to pray more and give more.

God bless y'all.

Getting back into the swing of things, I hope...

     There is so much to write about and so much going on that I cannot think of everything to put in this post.  We have been in recovery for over 5 years and are doing good.  No relapses, thank the Lord.  Things had gotten a little rough during quarantine when Tommy and I contracted COVID, but we only lost our taste and smell and had minor symptoms.  We quarantined with Cody even though he tested negative and still had no symptoms.  I was worried he would get it and it would complicate his asthma.   But we were blessed.  

    It has been over a year since I have written a blog post.  So much has happened and so much has gotten better.  We are still living paycheck to paycheck, but we have good reason too.  I have resigned from my job at the cleaners over a month ago to stay at home due to health issues, but now we are keeping 2 of our grandbabies and I am staying home with them to take care of them.  It is a sudden change since our youngest son is 19.  Peyton is a year and a half and Nova is almost 4 months.  It has changed our lives for the better in our eyes we enjoy these babies.  Not to say it is not stressful sometimes, but we are getting along nicely.  

    I will have more in later posts, since I am trying to get back into blogging.

God bless y'all.

How can I keep going?

The only way to keep going is with God on my side. It just keeps getting harder and harder each day. We have our oldest son and his wife move in with is temporarily and it's hard. Besides the fact that there is not enough room for all of us and the financial responsibilities are tough. We really want to help as many others as we can since we have been helped by many through our addiction and stupidity.  I am trying my best to be a good person. We have tried this once before and we were taken advantage of. It ended badly. But, I just cannot allow them to live in their car. We are in a position to help others,  but when it seems like I do everything,  I'm tired. I work full-time, just finished getting my Bachelor's degree and I want to go back for my Master's,  but may have to put it off since I have no time and cannot do homework with all of them there.  Our granddaughter stays with us a lot when they are able to keep her.  I will make sure that she gets to see her parents. But why is it so hard for me? I'm trying to be a good person but feel like a doormat.  I don't want help, just someone to try and so things. Just try not to tear up our stuff. I'm just frustrated by everything.  I pray we can all make it until they find a place to live. Will continue this later...

End of year

This is the last of 2019. Things are so much better than they have been. We have our good days and bad days. Everyone is human. I am so proud of us for overcoming so much. Trying to balance work, school and home life has been challenging and I have finally succeeded in getting my Bachelor's degree. I am so excited. I am applying to continue my education by getting my Master's degree. 2020 is going to be a great year for us. Will update more soon. It's been a while.